I become a new person when warm weather arrives. When it is cold, I only want to sleep. And since I have a 3 year old human alarm clock in my living quarters, I don’t get to sleep. This translates into a pissed off Daddy. When spring arrives there is so much more to do. All of this excites me. But this year I am more excited about spring fashion than anything. Actually, I am excited about moving a way from the winter fashion. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a fashion dude. I don’t have a metrosexual bone in my body. In fact, my wardrobe is pretty straightforward. Either pants or shorts, t-shirt or polo, flip-flop or new balance tennis shoe. In fact, I have bought the exact same pair of grey new balance 999 tennis shoes nine times in a row. So, I am anything but a fashion authority. But what I am talking about does not require you to be an authority. I am talking about ugg boots. You know the ugly ass sheepskin boots that some pretentious bitch in New York decided to make cool and wear. They are ugly ass. I hate them. My wife wears them, in fact, every women I know between the ages of 15 and 35 wears them. If you look up ugg boots on Wikipedia it states that “Their popularity increased as a result of World War I and World War II, when they were popular with aviators, because of their need to keep warm in non-pressurized planes at high altitudes.” This makes a bit of sense, but none of the women I know were in a war and they certainly did not fly planes. So unless you are some war hero and fly planes, you should not wear these boots. They are hideous and not attractive in the slightest. Remember, if you disagree with me, you are wrong. I didn’t make the rules.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Click Here First
****This post was dedicated to my brother who used to look very much like this man
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Ha-Ha.......I live in Paris, Tennessee and you do not. You don't live in the city that hosts the World's Biggest Fish Fry, but I do. This is the only week throughout the entire year in which I am proud to be in Paris, TN. It's fish fry week. Here's a snippet of what you will be missing.
First of all the big day is Friday. This is the parade day. Now, Macy's may have us on the numbers, but our show is light years ahead of Macy's. We have the Budweiser Clydesdales. We have crappy high school bands. We have the fish fry court (I married a former fish fry court girl). And, for the 5th year in a row, we have rain in the forecast.
Another highlight throughout the week is the rodeo. I went a couple of years ago, but I have not been back since. I got really drunk and dressed up like a cowboy. I had the hat, the tight ass jeans, the boots, the whole thing. Hell, I even think I dipped tobacco that night. But best of all, is that I took the PETA role and cheered for the cows. I think I will go again, but in normal clothes this time. Take that back, I think I will go in tight jorts (jean shorts), a Pantera t-shirt, and dirty white high top sneakers. I only wish I had time to grow a mullet.
Don't forget the fair. I cannot lie, the corn dogs, the funnel cakes, and the candy apple is the highlight of the week for me. I don't like the carnies, but the before mentioned foods make it worth going to the fair. There are two things I am afraid of: nuclear war and Carnies. Circus Folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands. But I don't care who you are, if you serve food like that, I'm buying it. Hell, I'll even throw 20 bucks at your dirty rides and risk my 3 year old getting typhoid.
Last, we have the actual fish fry. I think it lasts all week long. Supposedly they cook 12,500 pounds of catfish. I have never been to or seen this part of the festivities. But rest assured, the proof is in the smell.
So there it is. These are some of the festivities that my family and I will be partaking in. I will try to have photos and a recap at the end of the week.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Being a father of one kid and a kid on the way, I don’t get to drink that often. Well, I guess I could, but I choose not to. The good news is that my liver is almost completely healed from the college years. The bad news is that I still drink ever so often. This past Saturday night was one of those ridiculous nights. I learned/confirmed/remembered several things about myself and drinking.
1) I am 30 years old and my body gets pissed more easily
2) I do not have the tolerance that I used to.
3) I still drink like my tolerance is high.
4) I never want to drink again. (I say this everytime I drink now)
5) I should have gotten my ass kicked a lot more than I did in my younger years.
6) My wife hates me.
7) There is no worse feeling than waking up and realizing you don’t remember half of the night (Much better when you are married, at least you know you didn’t sleep with a fat chick)
8) Drinking is expensive
It’s a good thing I got the drinking night out of the way as my wife found out the cervix is effaced, the baby is in position, and my wife is 1 cm dilated. That’s right. It’s game time folks.
No commentary here. I have nothing.
Forgot to wear sunscreen at the soccer match this weekend. My forehead feels like this lady looks.
Friday, April 18, 2008
I rarely stay up late enough to watch the late night talk shows.......if you are in that same boat, you might have missed these gems from Jimmy Kimmel Live! I realize that this is "old news" to most, but these are too good to miss if you happen to be a loser like me.
And here is Kimmel's rebuttal.....
Spring is here and I am thrilled. The family and I grilled hot dogs last night and had smores. Doesn't get much better than that........unless of course you have these utensils to grill your dogs with.....
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
As you all know, I was nominated Husband of the Year in 2007. Let me tell you, it has been life changing. So much is expected of me now, and it is very difficult to be a role model to all of the other husbands out there. But I have embraced the challenge and if every other husband could learn just one thing from me, the world would be a better place. I did feel the readers of this blog should know a little bit about who I beat out for this prestigous award. These men are just as deserving as me and are also great role models to try to emulate.
3rd runner-up goes to Arjana Fatmire from Albania (pictured below). This picture was taken after a hard day's work. Even though Arjana was tired, he still found it in himself to lead his wife back to the homestead and keep her out of any harm's way.
2nd runner up goes to Dragimir Miloje from Serbia. Dragimir portrays his selfless qualities in the picture below. Dragimir is also a very hard worker, but he didn't let that stop him from being that great husband. Everyone knows the tractor rides bumpy, so Dragimir allowed his wife and aunt to ride in the back and rest after a hard day's work.
And last, we have Arlen O'Connell from Ireland. I barely beat out this man for the award and the picture below is just one of the many illustrations as to why. In this picture, Arlen not only gives his wife the majority of the beer, leaving himself only enough for a small beer buzz, but he also remembers to hold his wife's hand. Arlen is a great man and this leaves me baffled as to how I beat him out for Husband of the Year. I will wear my crown gracefully and remind myself that Arlen has set the bar pretty high for being such a great husband.
For those that do not know, monogramming is big in our home. My wife monograms everything. When my wife buys a new pillow for our kid’s room, she monograms it. If she buys a new backpack, she decides it needs our kid’s initials on it. She can find a pillow relatively cheap, say $5, but turn it into a $20 purchase because of monogramming. I am just waiting to come home and find my 3 year olds forehead monogrammed with his initials on it. Most people have yard sales or go to Salvation Army as their kids outgrow all of their belongings. Not us. It wouldn’t make sense to. Nobody would want our shit because it is monogrammed. So, to all you family members and friends who read this blog, don’t expect hand-me-downs from our family unless you decide to name your kids with the exact name/initials as our kids. I came to the realization that my wife must have a recurring nightmare/dream that angry clowns break into our house while we are sleeping and take everything in our house that doesn’t have our name on it. That sounds scary and I do not like clowns at all. But, rest assured, the clowns would not stay long and would not take much, thanks to my wife and her love of monogramming.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Pretty slow right now on the best blog in the whole entire world. So I thought I would at least post a decent joke.....
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'
Friday, April 11, 2008
Check out the link below. You think she is related to Rick Pitino?
Baby Worshipped As Goddess
Follow the link below to see the Class of 2009 College Basketball Rankings from Scout.com. Out of the top 100, 32 players have already committed to a school. Out of the 68 remaining players, 13 have Kentucky listed as a "school of interest." Included in this list of 13 players, 3 are listed as 5-star recruits.
Class 0f 2009 Rankings
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The latest ESPN writer to make a jackass out of himself is Dan Le Batard. He frequently makes appearances on Around The Horn and sometimes fills in for either Kornheiser or Wilbon on Pardon the Interruption. I have always thought Le Batard was a prick, but never had a solid instance to tie it to. Now I do. Watch this video and praise Jay Bilas for calling the retard out on this one. No surprise, but Le Batard stops the interview when Bilas asks to talk about anything else. Take your ball and go home Le Batard, you big sissy.
Do you want to stop all of the junk mail that you receive and keep the telemarketing companies from calling you. Well, you are shit out of luck. But, you can get revenge. Here's how.
Two things that I receive in the mail more than anything are coupons and credit card applications. The two have nothing to do with one another.......until now. When credit card companies send credit applications, they also include a self addressed postage-paid return envelope. They do not get charged for these pre-paid envelopes unless they are used. So, why not get rid of your other junk mail & coupons by sending them back to the credit card companies in their pre-paid return enevelope. There is nothing like sending CitiBank a coupon for a large pizza from Pizza Hut. You get rid of your junk mail while the credit card companies get charged for the postage. This will also help keep our postal service busy. Email has been eating into the postal service's business profits, so you are doing your part to prolong the next postage price increase by keeping them busy.
Now on to dealing with the asshole telemarketers. This one is too easy. Simply answer the phone and ask them too "hold on please?" Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) will keep them tied up and essentially eat into their profits. If you want to be a real dick, take Seinfeld's advice and do the following: When the telemarketer gives their spill, ask them if you can have their home phone number and call them back. When they protest, ask "What...you don't want a stranger calling you at home....well, now you know how I feel."
Since I am on a YouTube roll today......I have to post this one. It is the first 6 minutes or so of my favorite movie of all time, Jesco White - Dancing Outlaw, directed by Jacob Young. If you don't do anything else this week, watch this video in its entirety. You truly have not lived until you have seen this movie. It is a documentary that originally aired on PBS and has since turned into a cult classic. It is priceless and leaves you wanting more. Good news, there is more. As the popularity of Dancing Outlaw grew, Jesco was asked by comedian Tom Arnold to perform on the television show Roseanne. He traveled to Los Angeles for the performance, which was chronicled in the 1994 short film Dancing Outlaw 2: Jesco Goes To Hollywood - also directed by Jacob Young.
Looking for a way to get back the love of your life......here's what not to do....
This is one of those clips that make you proud to be raised in Kentucky. I'm buying what this guy is selling.
The college basketball season is over. Kansas won, which leaves me with "well, at least it wasn't UNC or UCLA." If you haven't seen it, you should take a moment to watch this video. There is no better way to find closure to the college basketball season. It also has a clip of the late Bill "Mr. Wildcat" Keightley in it. Rest in Peace Mr. Wildcat. You will always be remembered.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
My wife stays home with our kid. She also keeps 2 other kids. This is her job. She is a home day care operator. I am sure her job is very difficult, and frankly, there isn’t enough money in the world to make me do this job. I would rather wake up with my head stapled to the carpet than wake up knowing my career is watching snotty brats, ranging from ages 1 to 3, 5 days a week. But my wife enjoys it and I think she does a good job at it. I really do believe my kid has benefited from this greatly. This is part of the reason why my child is advanced (another blog topic soon to come).
I too have a job, though. Again, not to take anything away from wife’s job, but I do not have time to sit and talk to my wife on the phone and this frustrates her greatly. See, I am not self employed. I have a boss. I have shit to do. Again, I know my wife has shit to do also, in fact, her shit to do can almost be taken literally. But what I do not understand is how she finds time to call me 27 times a day.
My Wife: “Hey, what are you doing?”
Me: “Just working……what’s going on?”
My Wife: “Nothing…………..(silence)”
Now, imagine this conversation 27 times a day and you will see my frustration.
So…….the rest of this blog is dedicated to my wife. I am going to document what I do during a typical day at the office, so she will understand why she hears my head banging up against the wall when she calls me at work.
8:02 – Walk in the door with the “oh shit” walk…….late again from the wife deciding the trash needed taking out before work and the kid’s don’t have milk.
8:22 – Finish checking emails and realize that I have another shitty day ahead of me.
8:26 – Wife calls to see if I took out the trash
8: 48 – Get a call from user that she needs Adobe installed on her PC. Run over to user’s office to find the computer locked. No problem for me to remember 180 user’s passwords.
9:15 – User calls saying she can’t print. She follows up with “I tried like 20 times and it still won’t work.”
9:46 - Wife calls to see what I am doing
9:48 – User calls to inform me her “thingy” is not working. I tell her, we are out of “thingys” and we’ll have to order more.
10:10 – User calls with errors on her screen. She then persists to tell me that “she doesn’t know anything about that computer crap.” I tell her how much I love to hear about my area of professional expertise referred to as crap.
10:25 – Wife calls. She wants to know what sounds good for dinner. Head begins to hurt.
10:55 – Call from the sales floor that 4 people just switched desks and are waiting on me to come move their computers and related equipment. Thanks for the heads up. I.T. people don’t use calendars and love to fly by the seats of their pants.
11:00 – Lunch
11:05 – More calls
12:30 – Wife called three times during the compute moves, so I call her back to find out what she needed. She says, “nothing, but I am glad that it wasn’t important.”
12:35 – Sneak to the car to hit the bottle of bourbon…….not really, but maybe not so bad of an idea
1:00 – Okay, so I screwed up on this one……..that or the computer gods hate me…….looks like I’ll be working from home tonight.
2:14 – Get a call from a user that she just got an error message when closing her email. She doesn’t remember the message. She did not write the message down.
2:16 – Wife calls and asks when I am coming home? I tell her, very gently, 5:00 like every other day.
2:30 – 5:00 – You get the point……and add a couple calls from my wife
So dear, that is a good example of my days at work…..now you can understand why I give you a hard time about your daily/hourly phone calls. I am sure that I will receive a rebuttal/comment on this blog entry. It might not be pretty.
Monday, April 7, 2008
The wife and I found out a couple of months ago that we are having a girl. The girl is due in the middle of June and we are ecstatic. All we need now is a dog and we will have that "million dollar" family. We will be living the american dream.
After the excitement of finding out the sex of the baby died down, I began to actually consider this life change. I can hardly wait to do the "daddy's little girl" thing. But then I began to think, what if she looks like me? What if "daddy's little girl" has skillet ears and a unibrow? I began to freak out. But it gets way worse.
Next, you think of monies. If you walk into a store to shop for kid's clothes, you see a few racks of boy's clothes. Next to those boy clothes, you will also see a 400 racks of girl's clothes. TRANSLATION: More clothes to choose from, means more to buy. Shoot me in the balls.
I began dealing with the above mentioned problems and those concerns subsided. Then the dreaded teenage years entered my mind. "Daddy's Little Girl" won't always be little. She will grow up. She will begin to like boys, and even worse, boys will like her. Maybe skillet ears and unibrows wouldn't be so bad. I began freaking, literally. I immediately called my father-in-law about guns. I am not into guns and never have had them in my house growing up, which is wierd considering I grew up in Kentucky and now live in Tennessee. But my father-in-law is. No, he doesn't hunt and I don't think he is into militia, but the dude has guns. Lots of them. Put it this way, if the shit hits the fan, you want to be around him and on his team.
Fast forward a few months. I now currently own 3 guns. I actually considered having a guys only baby shower, with a "stock the gun cabinet" theme. I will be that dad that just happens to be cleaning his guns when the punk teenager comes to pick up my little girl for a date. I came to the realization that having a girl is another form of God punishing me for all the stress I caused all the fathers of every girl I ever dated. One day I will meet my worst enemy as a father, and that enemy will be me - thirty years younger. Sleep well, Dad.
Okay....so it has been a while since I have posted.....but I for one think I have a legitimate reason. You try having nut surgery. Yeah, it was outpatient surgery, but it was my nuts. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that after the surgery, my left member was the size of a decent sized orange. Hell, I even took pictures......it was that impressive. But all is well now. The "boys" are back to normal and soon this blog will be too. During my rehabilitation my diet consisted of mainly narcotic cocktails thrice daily. This diet will work wonders when coming up with entertaining topics for a blog. I know all 3 readers of this blog will be waiting with unabated anticipation.